


Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's...

by a_t_rain



Category: Vorkosigan Saga - Lois McMaster Bujold
Genre: Future Fic, Gen, Imperial Security
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2016-05-31
Packaged: 2018-07-11 07:16:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7035364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_t_rain/pseuds/a_t_rain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are ordinary bad ideas. And there is making Byerly Vorrutyer head of ImpSec.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's...

“How was your meeting?” asked Ivan.

“More interesting than they usually are.”

“What did they want? Something to do with that training course you’ve been guest-lecturing for?”

“No,” said Byerly. “Actually, they wanted to sound me out and see whether I would do as the next Chief of Imperial Security.”

Ivan boggled. “ _What? YOU?!?_ ”

“My dear Ivan, you seem to think that every ImpSec head should be exactly like your stepfather. That is absurd.”

“But ... but you’re ... a civilian.” This wasn’t _exactly_ why By would be impossible in the position, but it was the closest thing to a reasonable objection that Ivan was able to articulate on short notice.

“There isn’t any rule against that. There never has been. I understand your-cousin-the-Count was actually _offered_ the position once upon a time, _after_ his discharge from the military.”

“He was offered it twenty-five years ago. You’re _sixty_.”

“Sixty isn’t what it used to be. I could be good for another twenty years in a desk job. And I don’t think they actually _want_ someone who’s going to hang on to the position for decades, this time.”

“You’re a ... a _history thief_. According to your cover story, anyway.”

Byerly waved a hand. “Pardoned years ago. I do wish you’d try to keep up. Dono used to end all of his speeches in the Council of Counts with the phrase ‘and also, my cousin By needs a pardon,’ just like that Roman senator who always ended with ‘and also, Carthage must be destroyed,’ and eventually they gave in just to make him shut up. And also, in breaking news, Carthage has been destroyed.”

“You’re – you’re _you_.”

“Ah.” Byerly tried, and utterly failed, to maintain his deadpan expression. “That _is_ the problem, isn’t it? Of course, I’ve been Our Man On Jackson’s Whole for twenty years, so none of them exactly _knew_ I was me. It was the first time I’d met most of the current higher-ups face to face, and even _you_ have to admit that I look like an entirely plausible candidate on paper. Thirteen years of experience on the domestic side and twenty in Galactic Affairs, multiple commendations, built the Jackson’s Whole outpost up from a one-man operation to a very well-run field office, if I do say so. I admit that my disciplinary record may have raised a few questions, but none of the infractions are very _recent_.”

“That’s because you’ve basically been running the Jackson’s Whole outpost as a law unto yourself, and not letting them _know_ about most of what you get up to.”

“Yes. Exactly. Although I must point out that they _do_ generally find out about the _results_ sooner or later, and they nearly always like them. The words _brilliant_ and _distinguished_ came up frequently when they were reviewing my record. Considering that they were a roomful of perfect strangers, you can’t really blame them in the slightest for deciding I was their top candidate. They told me as much at the beginning.”

“I think I’m going to regret asking this, but at what point in the interview did this roomful of perfect strangers realize that their brilliant, distinguished top candidate was also an incorrigible anarchist with a dangerous fetish for _justice?_ ”

At this last word, Byerly looked up in surprise, and some respect. _Really_ , Ivan thought, _after twenty-five years of getting dragged headlong into your escapades, did you think I hadn’t noticed your driving force?_

“Well, they asked me about my vision for what the next head of ImpSec ought to accomplish, so as long as I had a captive audience, I thought I’d take advantage of the opportunity to discuss a few of my ideas for improving the aesthetics of the uniforms. There’s a certain curve of the posterior which is quite _irresistible_ on an attractive young man, and better tailoring would help to bring it out. It’s not bad on an older man, for that matter, as long as he keeps himself fit. I complimented General Vorburlingame on having maintained his so well.”

“You told the head of Domestic Affairs that he had a _nice ass?_ ”

“I didn’t put it quite that _crudely_ , but ... yes, I suppose I did. I’m afraid he began to rethink my suitability for the position very shortly afterward, but, you know, it was _worth_ it.”

Ivan groaned. “And what am I supposed to say when some of the nice boys from ImpSec come around asking me why I’m harboring a houseguest who has been sexually harassing a general?”

“They won’t blame you. One isn’t responsible for the actions of one’s houseguests, particularly when they are in-laws, or outlaws, or however you wish to characterize our relationship. I have explained this to my superiors at ImpSec on _numerous_ occasions, so they should be familiar with the principle. It comes up, you know, when they ask awkward questions like ‘why did your cousin’s sister-in-law and her partner come for a two-week skiing holiday and end up bankrupting the entire clone-brain-transplant industry?’ You simply disclaim all responsibility and ask them whether _they_ have any relatives like that, and unless they’re lifelong bachelors who grew up in an orphanage, they generally see the point right away.”

Ivan, who was not a lifelong bachelor and had not grown up in an orphanage, _very much_ saw the point.

“So, alas, the other department heads also seemed to be of the opinion that my vision of the future of ImpSec lacked ... the sort of _gravitas_ they expected of their leader. And so we parted company. It’s a shame, because I might have been rather good at it, don’t you think?”

Ivan shook his head. “I don’t believe a word of it, By. I have no idea whether anybody was really crazy enough to put your name in the hat for ImpSec chief, or whether that was what you were actually meeting with them about, but I _don’t_ believe they were about to offer you the position when you screwed it up by spontaneously deciding to compliment General Vorburlingame on the curve of his buttocks.”

“You’re right,” Byerly admitted.

“Ah- _ha!_ ”

“... It wasn’t exactly spontaneous. It’s always worth getting to these meetings a bit early, you know, because people snap up the good pastries, and sometimes they even run out of coffee. Well, General Vorburlingame’s personal assistant was there setting up the refreshments table, and so were a couple of department secretaries. Very nice girls, even if they _do_ look like they should all still be in school. So I offered to help, and in return I got first dibs on the baklava – I have rather a weakness for baklava, and it’s hard to find on Jackson’s Whole – and we had time for a bit of a friendly chat before the higher-ups came in ...”

“Accuracy- _brevity_ -clarity, By.”

“So impatient, Ivan! I was just getting to the relevant part. It seems that General Vorburlingame is quite vocal in his admiration of the body part in question on young female staff. And has been known, on occasion, to get _grabby_ , as one of the secretaries put it. So I thought, since he apparently enjoys that sort of thing so much, why not give him a chance to experience being on the receiving end? So to speak.”

“Did the other department heads know about General Vorburlingame’s, uh, proclivities?”

“To judge by their expressions, I believe they did. They certainly found the moment _highly_ entertaining.”

“But they _didn’t_ end up offering you the position, did they?”

“No,” By admitted, “they didn’t. Either they agreed with you and General Vorburlingame that I was wholly unsuitable –”

“Hey! I’ll thank you _not_ to lump me together with General Vorburlingame, _especially_ now that we know he’s a dirty old man!”

“– or else they saw _my_ point, which is that I’m still a damn fine field agent. And I’ve got a few good years left in me yet.”


End file.
